I’m done rooting for soccer teams

I just can’t do it anymore. This world cup has been awful as far as the teams I’m rooting for are concerned. First, Germany got knocked out in the group level games. They played so miserably I began to wonder if their water had been switched out with vodka, a cruel prank by their Russian hosts. Awful, all around.

Then, Mexico got knocked out. I started rooting for them after they beat Germany soundly and I figured since Mexico had never won a world cup, this could be their year! Since their celebration after their win against Germany registered on the Richtor scale, imagine what the celebration after winning the entire cup would do (world jump day, anyone?) And then they went ahead and got knocked out.

Indefatigable, I switched to Uruguay. Uruguay has also never won a world cup and they’re notable for having a team of unusual skill given their country’s size and economic development. So why not Uruguay? I was a late, but unenthusiastic supporter of Team Uruguay. And now I just watched them get trounced by France. Freaking France. Ugh! I’m so annoyed. I feel sorry for their goalie, who just barely let a score in and looked like he was going to cry afterwards. I also feel sorry for the six year old fan, shown on the German broadcast of the game crying in the stadium. Poor kid. Losing sucks! I also feel sorry for the Uruguayan player whose head slightly hit the free kick ball and knocked it more towards his own goal. Whoops.

Who am I going to root for at this point? I feel like I can’t adopt anymore national loyalties. I mean, I already spoke German so that was easy. I’m pretty good at Spanish, so no problem.

I’m going to support Belgium (aka, France, Jr. or the Netherlands’ Little Brother) in the game against Brazil later on. And Croatia (one of the Little Slavs) against Russia (Big Slav).

I hope to god not all of them lose.

Speaking of losing, Finland apparently has one of the best national soccer teams that has never made it to the World Cup. My husband wants nothing more than to see Finland qualify for the World Cup. They don’t even have to win a game as far as he’s concerned; it’d be enough for them to make it into any group. Beating Sweden would be a plus, though. I told him he could start training them up when we move to Finland. It could be like a sappy underdog movie: He, down on his luck, returns to his home country to help train the perennially down on their luck Finnish National Soccer team. After making several obvious changes (no ice skates on while playing soccer, save the drinking for after the game) and a few not so obvious ones (aim for the other team’s goal and and have some freaking self-esteem), he coaches them to get into the group rounds of the world cup!

At that point they get knocked out (this would be a Finnish movie, not a Hollywood one, so we have to keep things realistic), but they’re fine with that.

Barring this film being made, I would settle for a new world cup tradition: The Drunk World Cup: rematches of all the games, but with all the players being slight inebriated.

Finland kind of started this in 1912 in the Olympics where their team came in fourth. They would have done better, but no one told them exactly when their game was. So they went out drinking the night before and played the next day either still slightly drunk or extraordinarily hung over. Since they came in fourth, it doesn’t appear to have hurt them too much. But then again, in the Edwardian era, it seems that most sports were played after having a few tipples and were probably more entertaining for it.

Advertisements

Introducing Freedom 3.0 (TM)

On this, the 242 anniversary of our original release of Freedom, we couldn’t be more pleased than to introduce the latest version of our original product. After researching current market trends, we’ve come to realize that what people really want in this hectic and modern era is less. We’re too overburdened with stuff. We have too many things to do, too many gadgets, too many toys. As a result, we’ve made minimalism the key feature of our new rollout and our customers will be pleased to find out how much more they can do with less.

 

The first thing we’ve decided to minimize is choice. I know, I know, you’re thinking: but we love choice! But there are some things you really don’t need to choice. Like Internet, for example. We all know you want it. Is it really necessary to have all that much choice in who gives it to you? No. This is why in most American markets, you’ll find your choice of Internet provider has already been made for you. But we’re going further than that! Soon, you’ll be able to have one option for internet, cell phone AND content provider. Don’t worry, AT&T are great people. We’ve spoken to them, they’ve donated money to us, they’re great. You’ll love them.

We’ve also decided to narrow down your options of political party. Two is just too many (we only count parties that can win, so “third parties” don’t exist as far as we’re concerned). From here on out, you’ll only have one! It’ll be great. Just look at Singapore. They only have one party and it’s been ruling it the whole time they’ve existed. It’s very clean, very orderly…the people there love it! You’ll still be able to vote for other parties…if you want. But they just won’t be able to win.

You say you’re swimming in stuff? Don’t worry, we’ve got that covered. We’re increasing tariffs on a wide variety of imported goods. This way, you won’t be able to afford to buy as much. You’ll have to make do with less. Remember, the keyword is minimalism. You’ll be able to afford less, but you’ll enjoy it twice as much. Your houses will feel so much more spacious!

Speaking of houses, the housing market is heating up again. Prices are going up, up, up. With that in mind, we’ve decided to support your housing wealth two fold. One, we’re going to make sure there are fewer people available to work in construction. Two, we’re going to make sure there are fewer people looking for housing. Both of these aims can be accomplished by limiting immigration. We don’t care what type: legal, illegal, educated, uneducated. We’re just not going to let any of them in. Maybe a few of the legal, educated types, but we’re going to reduce that, too. Minimalism, remember? We need to minimize the number of people here and the number of structures built so you can enjoy those minimialistic vistas so popular on desktop backgrounds these days. As an added bonus, the prices of your houses will boom! You’ll be so rich!

 

minimalistland

All in all, I think you’ll be very pleased with all the upgrades we’ve included in Freedom 3.0. Like all changes, it may take some getting used to, but I’m sure you’ll enjoy the increased functionality, improved design and layout we’ve included. Remember, If It’s Freedom You Seek, Think Freedom, Inc.

Because why not?

This has become a major pet peeve for me. My kids have started this thing we’re they’ll tell me they’ve decided to do something and sum up their reasons for doing it with “because, why not?” Say my daughter decides to put some flowers in her hair. “I decided to put all these flowers in my hair becase,” she shrugs, “why not?”

WHY NOT IS NOT A REASON. It is not an explanation. I finally decided to give her some reasons why not since she couldn’t find any. “Why not? Because maybe there are bugs in the flowers and they might crawl into your hair? Maybe you’re allergic to the flowers and they will make you sneeze? Maybe they’ll get tangled up in your hair and you won’t be able to get them out?”

“Yeah, but I wanted to put flowers in my hair.” Well, that’s a fine reason to do it. I just don’t get why their reasoning for doing something has started to be summed up by a supposed inability to find a reason against doing something.

Even worse, this has rubbed off on my husband. Today he came inside and told me, “It’s just as hot being inside doing anything as it is to be outside working on the house. So I figured I may as well be outside working on the house because why not?”

Motherfucker. Did you not just listen to the first half of your sentence? You literally just told me the whys! You have reasons! You don’t need to say why not? You don’t need to act like there is no possible reason why you wouldn’t be working outside in the heat because there are very good, obvious reasons for not wanting to (it’s fucking hot being the main one).

Ah well. Now I understand how my parents felt when I over used the word “like.” “And then she was like, ‘what did you do?’ And I was like ‘I ran away.’ And she was like, ‘Oh my god, where did you go?’ And I was like….”

And my parents were like, “OMG STOP USING THE WORLD LIKE! YOU MEAN TO USE SAID! OR ASKED OR LITERALLY ANY OTHER WORD IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE MEANT TO DENOTE SOMEONE SPEAKING OR SAYING SOMETHING! GAAAAAAH.”

Yeah, it’s exactly like that.