On this, the 242 anniversary of our original release of Freedom, we couldn’t be more pleased than to introduce the latest version of our original product. After researching current market trends, we’ve come to realize that what people really want in this hectic and modern era is less. We’re too overburdened with stuff. We have too many things to do, too many gadgets, too many toys. As a result, we’ve made minimalism the key feature of our new rollout and our customers will be pleased to find out how much more they can do with less.
The first thing we’ve decided to minimize is choice. I know, I know, you’re thinking: but we love choice! But there are some things you really don’t need to choice. Like Internet, for example. We all know you want it. Is it really necessary to have all that much choice in who gives it to you? No. This is why in most American markets, you’ll find your choice of Internet provider has already been made for you. But we’re going further than that! Soon, you’ll be able to have one option for internet, cell phone AND content provider. Don’t worry, AT&T are great people. We’ve spoken to them, they’ve donated money to us, they’re great. You’ll love them.
We’ve also decided to narrow down your options of political party. Two is just too many (we only count parties that can win, so “third parties” don’t exist as far as we’re concerned). From here on out, you’ll only have one! It’ll be great. Just look at Singapore. They only have one party and it’s been ruling it the whole time they’ve existed. It’s very clean, very orderly…the people there love it! You’ll still be able to vote for other parties…if you want. But they just won’t be able to win.
You say you’re swimming in stuff? Don’t worry, we’ve got that covered. We’re increasing tariffs on a wide variety of imported goods. This way, you won’t be able to afford to buy as much. You’ll have to make do with less. Remember, the keyword is minimalism. You’ll be able to afford less, but you’ll enjoy it twice as much. Your houses will feel so much more spacious!
Speaking of houses, the housing market is heating up again. Prices are going up, up, up. With that in mind, we’ve decided to support your housing wealth two fold. One, we’re going to make sure there are fewer people available to work in construction. Two, we’re going to make sure there are fewer people looking for housing. Both of these aims can be accomplished by limiting immigration. We don’t care what type: legal, illegal, educated, uneducated. We’re just not going to let any of them in. Maybe a few of the legal, educated types, but we’re going to reduce that, too. Minimalism, remember? We need to minimize the number of people here and the number of structures built so you can enjoy those minimialistic vistas so popular on desktop backgrounds these days. As an added bonus, the prices of your houses will boom! You’ll be so rich!
All in all, I think you’ll be very pleased with all the upgrades we’ve included in Freedom 3.0. Like all changes, it may take some getting used to, but I’m sure you’ll enjoy the increased functionality, improved design and layout we’ve included. Remember, If It’s Freedom You Seek, Think Freedom, Inc.