I’m done rooting for soccer teams

I just can’t do it anymore. This world cup has been awful as far as the teams I’m rooting for are concerned. First, Germany got knocked out in the group level games. They played so miserably I began to wonder if their water had been switched out with vodka, a cruel prank by their Russian hosts. Awful, all around.

Then, Mexico got knocked out. I started rooting for them after they beat Germany soundly and I figured since Mexico had never won a world cup, this could be their year! Since their celebration after their win against Germany registered on the Richtor scale, imagine what the celebration after winning the entire cup would do (world jump day, anyone?) And then they went ahead and got knocked out.

Indefatigable, I switched to Uruguay. Uruguay has also never won a world cup and they’re notable for having a team of unusual skill given their country’s size and economic development. So why not Uruguay? I was a late, but unenthusiastic supporter of Team Uruguay. And now I just watched them get trounced by France. Freaking France. Ugh! I’m so annoyed. I feel sorry for their goalie, who just barely let a score in and looked like he was going to cry afterwards. I also feel sorry for the six year old fan, shown on the German broadcast of the game crying in the stadium. Poor kid. Losing sucks! I also feel sorry for the Uruguayan player whose head slightly hit the free kick ball and knocked it more towards his own goal. Whoops.

Who am I going to root for at this point? I feel like I can’t adopt anymore national loyalties. I mean, I already spoke German so that was easy. I’m pretty good at Spanish, so no problem.

I’m going to support Belgium (aka, France, Jr. or the Netherlands’ Little Brother) in the game against Brazil later on. And Croatia (one of the Little Slavs) against Russia (Big Slav).

I hope to god not all of them lose.

Speaking of losing, Finland apparently has one of the best national soccer teams that has never made it to the World Cup. My husband wants nothing more than to see Finland qualify for the World Cup. They don’t even have to win a game as far as he’s concerned; it’d be enough for them to make it into any group. Beating Sweden would be a plus, though. I told him he could start training them up when we move to Finland. It could be like a sappy underdog movie: He, down on his luck, returns to his home country to help train the perennially down on their luck Finnish National Soccer team. After making several obvious changes (no ice skates on while playing soccer, save the drinking for after the game) and a few not so obvious ones (aim for the other team’s goal and and have some freaking self-esteem), he coaches them to get into the group rounds of the world cup!

At that point they get knocked out (this would be a Finnish movie, not a Hollywood one, so we have to keep things realistic), but they’re fine with that.

Barring this film being made, I would settle for a new world cup tradition: The Drunk World Cup: rematches of all the games, but with all the players being slight inebriated.

Finland kind of started this in 1912 in the Olympics where their team came in fourth. They would have done better, but no one told them exactly when their game was. So they went out drinking the night before and played the next day either still slightly drunk or extraordinarily hung over. Since they came in fourth, it doesn’t appear to have hurt them too much. But then again, in the Edwardian era, it seems that most sports were played after having a few tipples and were probably more entertaining for it.

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